Wednesday, April 8

This has been a difficult last few days. I have felt uncomfortable and criticized. You have said things to me that make me feel you think I am a bad person. It harkens back to feelings I used to get, particularly from my stepfather. I would be cruising along through life, and then from out of nowhere he would start in on me. "That girl is so rude. She's so stuck-up. She blahblahblah....." And I get this horrible deja vu feeling that I am bad and I just don't know it. You (and my SF) are letting me in on this very special secret. Don't I know? Isn't it obvious? How can I not see it? It is becoming clear to me that you are feeling very insecure. As was my SF; he just didn't have a good excuse for it like cancer. You have made comments to the effect that you think I act inappropriately with Laura's boyfriend and that the network of friends I have might be attempts to replace you. I admit to having some degree of 'anticipatory grief'. I admit to being terrified of what I will feel when you are gone. I admit to being confused about our future. I admit that there are times when I'm not so strong. I fear loneliness. I always have. I wish I didn't. You say that when you are gone, I can 'replace' you. I wish it were that easy. My therapist says that men do that all the time. I see that. Bob, at church, lost Pat in June after 52 years of marriage and incredible closeness, constant togetherness. He met another woman on the cruise he took to scatter her ashes. He's now on another cruise to scatter the rest of Pat's ashes, and this new woman will be helping him. I just couldn't do that. I couldn't replicate the intimacy I need in a marriage like that. Too much, too fast. It would be a recipe for disaster for me.

Easter Dinner was lovely and we had two guests. I like small dinner gatherings. They are comfortable. Again, I didn't feel I had to put on any appearances. The food (hot chicken salad, corn pudding, green salad and lemon chess pie) all turned out remarkably well. Yep, I was cooking from scratch, a rare and satisfying event. You were quite impressed and complimented me a lot on the meal. Everything turned out perfectly, and all of us were extremely happy with the food. Flowers from the massive bulbs on our front walkway made the table look beautiful.

Laura had to come into town today to have her dog's teeth worked on. She and I spent time together. I told her you thought I was being inappropriate with Kyle. I wanted to know if she thought that way too. She was shocked. She said she and he love the way I am with them, that he feels welcome, accepted and liked by me, that I am not the least bit inappropriate. On the other hand, he doesn't feel very comfy with you.

You have told me that having cancer is making you feel 'less than'. You feel less than a whole person, less of a man, less of a human, less capable of being who you want to be. I feel like you are watching me. Yet, I understand how you must be feeling. I can begin to put myself in your place and feel your sense of powerlessness. But after all these years. And all we've been through. And I've been faithful to you the entire time, even when we were separated, even when I was disgusted and furious with you. I mentioned your distrust at the Good Wives' Club. They could understand. I was able to reach a new level of safety with them last night. One good thing that came out of it was that they reminded me that there is significant evidence that chemo causes personality changes. One person said her husband is 'short', meaning impatient, now compared to before he started chemo. You, too, are being short. At dinner you told me you want to go over our expenses again. You just can't understand where the money is going. I told you we've already been over this, that I have the taxes to do. I don't want to go over the monthlies. I can tell you where the expenses are. Then you said I was ruining dinner. You wanted to write it down and that was that. This is just one example of your shortness but more importantly, of your insistence lately that we do everything your way. And when I have tried to disagree, you tell me I am being unreasonable, difficult, I am ruining a 'happy' situation. You even called me a bitch once. The GWC reminded me that chemo can interfere with moods and that a lot of cancer patients suffer from depression. In light of the possible effects of this new chemo, I think you need to call your doc for a meds adjustment.