Crazy day! Monday, June 7. It was Syd's birthday and I had a retention conference with S's mom and the assistant principal right after school. About 20 minutes into the conference, you came into my room. You had shaved your head; we almost didn't recognize you. You put a letter on my desk and asked me to read it as soon as my conference ended.
When I read the letter, I didn't get it at first. It was written to the watch commander at our local police station. It started with my physical description. Then it went on to say you had changed the locks on the house. You alleged I had tried to kill you three times during our marriage and that you were afraid for your life. It also mentioned that you had handguns in the house. You gave the name and address of a friend of mine at whose home you thought I would be staying. Such fun news!!! I got to spend the next 7 hours on the phone with attorneys, doctors, friends, Carmi and Laura. Here's an interesting tidbit I learned. The P.A. at your oncologist's said, "Oh, yes, this chemo interferes with neurotransmitters and psych meds."
NO KIDDING!!! YA THINK???
I'd seen it coming. You were moving into full-blown mania. And you were going with gusto. You have your eye on the prize. Pay day is on the horizon. Cha - ching!! Cash in on the old Cash Cow.
This divorce is going downhill fast. You aren't getting your way for the first time in 22 years, and you are going to play dirty. I am not conceding to your schemes. You can't suck me back in because I am finished with you. Enough of the insanity, enough of the drama, enough of keeping your secrets and being ashamed of my life. It's over.
It took me two days and over $3000 in attorney's fees to get myself back in the house. And when the judge read my petition, he ordered you to move out and gave you two days to get rid of all of your firearms. My petition was the truth; yours was a pack of lies.
And now this blog will end. It is no longer about cancer and a difficult marriage. It's about divorce.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Snoop
Thursday was revealing. Some day. Maybe it was Thursday. You said I had left my private email account logged in that evening. You had read my emails. Hmmmmmm....emails to my attorney, emails to my friends........you felt betrayed that I was being honest with people. You thought I was having an affair with my old boyfriend from high school. Being honest isn't the same as having an affair. I almost wish I were having an affair. It would make the vitriol that followed almost worth it.
You went to the desert for the weekend. We had talked about having a yard sale but you said you were coming down with a cold, so we called it off. I wanted to call it off, too. I had too much work to do at school. My progress reports were due the following Friday and they involved a ton of work. Ending the school year is brutal. That's why I had asked you to hold off on decisions and actions about the divorce until the 18th. But you hadn't backed off. Every time we 'agreed' to hold off for two weeks, within hours you were wanting me to 'sit down' with you to make a settlement. That wasn't respite. That wasn't taking two weeks off. That was you trying to circumvent the legal process-----about which I know next to nothing, and wouldn't be able to study until school was out. Oh, you are clever with your timing. How many times in this marriage have you pushed something on me when I was distracted by the demands of something else? It's a clever tactic and it's worked well for you over the years.
From the desert you started with the text messages again. You said you were writing a petition to a judge to have me and my dad removed from the house. You were going to let me read it before you submitted it. Another threat. See if I would buckle under allegations. I wouldn't answer many of your texts. You're manicky; it's not worth the time and effort. You said if I agreed to some things, then you wouldn't file it.
But in messing around on the computer I somehow came across a keystroke tracking program. We had bought it five years ago when we were having trouble with Laura. We had hid it from the desktop and it required a set of strokes to pop it up. I had asked you if we still had it a couple of years ago and you said you couldn't remember the sequence of strokes we needed to do to get it to come up. I had figured it was outdated anyway and didn't give it more thought. But there were all my keystrokes, all my passwords, all my messages, everything I had written over the past couple of weeks. You were spying on me. As soon as you decided you wanted a divorce, you started tracking everything I wrote. Then you took the credit cards out of my purse and photocopied them along with my checkbook. You had gone Spy vs. Spy on me.
I had always known that when you were manicky, or when you were after money, there was nothing you would let in your way. This was not going to be an 'amicable' divorce. You had set me up by trying to act like you wanted to work things out. You were trying to get me to call off my attorney for two weeks while you invaded my privacy. It 's time for this disaster of a marriage to be over and for me to get out from under your control!
I went into work and changed all the passwords to everything. Then I thought maybe you'd lock me out of the house, so when I went to work on Monday morning, I took the keys and the owner's manual to the front door keypad entry system with me. I left one key home for you. I couldn't find the owner's manual to the keypad lock for the backdoor. But I figured with the front door, I'd be able to get in if you were as feral as to change the passcode.
You went to the desert for the weekend. We had talked about having a yard sale but you said you were coming down with a cold, so we called it off. I wanted to call it off, too. I had too much work to do at school. My progress reports were due the following Friday and they involved a ton of work. Ending the school year is brutal. That's why I had asked you to hold off on decisions and actions about the divorce until the 18th. But you hadn't backed off. Every time we 'agreed' to hold off for two weeks, within hours you were wanting me to 'sit down' with you to make a settlement. That wasn't respite. That wasn't taking two weeks off. That was you trying to circumvent the legal process-----about which I know next to nothing, and wouldn't be able to study until school was out. Oh, you are clever with your timing. How many times in this marriage have you pushed something on me when I was distracted by the demands of something else? It's a clever tactic and it's worked well for you over the years.
From the desert you started with the text messages again. You said you were writing a petition to a judge to have me and my dad removed from the house. You were going to let me read it before you submitted it. Another threat. See if I would buckle under allegations. I wouldn't answer many of your texts. You're manicky; it's not worth the time and effort. You said if I agreed to some things, then you wouldn't file it.
But in messing around on the computer I somehow came across a keystroke tracking program. We had bought it five years ago when we were having trouble with Laura. We had hid it from the desktop and it required a set of strokes to pop it up. I had asked you if we still had it a couple of years ago and you said you couldn't remember the sequence of strokes we needed to do to get it to come up. I had figured it was outdated anyway and didn't give it more thought. But there were all my keystrokes, all my passwords, all my messages, everything I had written over the past couple of weeks. You were spying on me. As soon as you decided you wanted a divorce, you started tracking everything I wrote. Then you took the credit cards out of my purse and photocopied them along with my checkbook. You had gone Spy vs. Spy on me.
I had always known that when you were manicky, or when you were after money, there was nothing you would let in your way. This was not going to be an 'amicable' divorce. You had set me up by trying to act like you wanted to work things out. You were trying to get me to call off my attorney for two weeks while you invaded my privacy. It 's time for this disaster of a marriage to be over and for me to get out from under your control!
I went into work and changed all the passwords to everything. Then I thought maybe you'd lock me out of the house, so when I went to work on Monday morning, I took the keys and the owner's manual to the front door keypad entry system with me. I left one key home for you. I couldn't find the owner's manual to the keypad lock for the backdoor. But I figured with the front door, I'd be able to get in if you were as feral as to change the passcode.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Insults to Injury
Wednesday came and I knew you were coming back home so that you could make it to your cancer support group meeting. You bombarded me with text messages. Could I meet and talk with you for twenty minutes? Can we have a discussion? You had a proposition for me. But I had already heard the drumbeats. You had called my investment manager and asked him how much money I have in my tax shelter, left him a message that you and I had found a place we wanted to buy out in the desert. I told him not to tell you a thing unless he was served with a court order. The cascade of text messages continued. There's this great property out in the desert. It's a foreclosure, a fixer-upper but not as much work as the remodel we did on our house and right up your alley. We'd have to act fast. I said I didn't want to talk to you. And on top of it all, it was the music concert at school, then the cancer support group meeting. I literally didn't have a minute to talk until at least 9:30 at night. No, this would not be a good day to talk. What part about waiting until the 18th isn't making sense to you?
You also wanted to sit down and sketch out our finances together, see if we could make a little agreement about spousal support.
My therapist shared very critical pieces of information with me, observations she had made over the years. First, she said I have a way of deflecting your inappropriate and negative comments. I just let them bounce off my head. Second, you have a way of sucking me back in. Ok, she didn't use the term 'sucking me back in', that's mine, but what she said meant the same thing. You know every crack in my veneer, every chink in my armor. And third, she said one of my weaknesses with you is materialistic desires. I can get seduced by my desire to make money. You can entice me to engage in things with you.
The music concert came and went. I rushed over to my cancer caregivers' support group. I told them about your desire to buy a house in the desert. I spent a long time talking about what was going on with us. It occurred to me that my life wasn't about cancer anymore. My life was now about divorce and turmoil . I was feeling that I was not helping these beautiful people heal from their pain, or deal with their loved ones' cancer.
We didn't talk at home.
You also wanted to sit down and sketch out our finances together, see if we could make a little agreement about spousal support.
My therapist shared very critical pieces of information with me, observations she had made over the years. First, she said I have a way of deflecting your inappropriate and negative comments. I just let them bounce off my head. Second, you have a way of sucking me back in. Ok, she didn't use the term 'sucking me back in', that's mine, but what she said meant the same thing. You know every crack in my veneer, every chink in my armor. And third, she said one of my weaknesses with you is materialistic desires. I can get seduced by my desire to make money. You can entice me to engage in things with you.
The music concert came and went. I rushed over to my cancer caregivers' support group. I told them about your desire to buy a house in the desert. I spent a long time talking about what was going on with us. It occurred to me that my life wasn't about cancer anymore. My life was now about divorce and turmoil . I was feeling that I was not helping these beautiful people heal from their pain, or deal with their loved ones' cancer.
We didn't talk at home.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
The Kids
You said, "Let's figure out how we're going to tell people we're getting a divorce. We don't want to go into detail or soon we'd be saying things we'd regret. Let's say we both have decided to end the marriage and we both have our own reasons."
Sure. Why not. There's no elephant in this living room. I'll stick with this party line, and no one will be the wiser. Let's just let people think I'm divorcing a man with pancreatic cancer, like that makes any sense. NOT! "And what about Laura? She won't buy that."
"Yes, she will."
"No, she won't. She already knows there is a problem with you gambling again. She knows too much to believe such a generality."
"Yes she will."
So here's where you and I both know you are dead wrong. This kid is perceptive. She's going to hone in on this in a hot second. And she did.
Why do you want to tell people this bs line about us each having our own reasons? I think it's because you don't want people to know you're gambling. You are an addict. You want me to cover for you again. Hide your dirty little secret. I have had the courage to tell you several times lately that you are an addict. The things that come out of your mouth are pure unadulterated addictspeak. Who do you think you're kidding?
On Sunday afternoon Laura and Kyle arrived. I was mowing the lawn. She went to look for something. What was she doing with the papers on my desk in my bedroom? I never snooped through my mom's stuff when I was her age. She read your bogus spreadsheet and a letter I had just faxed to my attorney. When I came into the bedroom, she was there and started off by apologizing to me for reading my stuff. Whoa! I was a little stunned. But she is angry with you. I haven't seen that look of contained rage on her face in a long time. She was appalled that you would ask for money from me after all you've taken. She was offended by the tone of your letter. She doesn't like the way you've treated me. She said to me, "Mom, you must promise me that whoever you have a relationship with after this must treat you well. You must proooommmiiiiise me. You are a good person, and I love Dad, but Dad isn't a good person, and he hasn't been good to you. You tell whoever you have a relationship with in the future, that if he isn't good to you, your daughter and her boyfriend are coming after him."
I said, "You have to be good to your father. You're all he has left now. He has no family. He has only one friend, and he has just discarded me. He will need you and Kyle to help him. I didn't want it to turn out this way but Daddy made a choice. I won't be in his life anymore and the burden of meeting his needs will fall on you. I'm sorry. "
"So when he spends all the money he gets from you, he'll come and live with me???"
"Maybe. Probably. You'll be all he has."
Kyle said he likes you, just not the way you conduct your business. He said he thinks the only one who could ever get through to you would be Laura. I told him I thought he was right but I would not encourage Laura to confront you and I don't think Kyle would either.
The kids were very helpful. Kyle finished mowing the back lawn and the two of them dug a rosebed for me in front of the house. Laura went to the condo with me and helped me clean it. The carpets look great; Melanie's son has a commercial shampooer and he got all of the horrible spots out of it that the last tenants managed to put in in only three months.
I had to go to work on Tuesday and the kids tried to wait for me but I had a training that lasted until after 7 p.m. They left ten minutes before I got home, which made me sad. But then they came back because the freeway was really jammed up. You stayed out at their house until Wednesday morning. Being here without you was a real relief.
Sure. Why not. There's no elephant in this living room. I'll stick with this party line, and no one will be the wiser. Let's just let people think I'm divorcing a man with pancreatic cancer, like that makes any sense. NOT! "And what about Laura? She won't buy that."
"Yes, she will."
"No, she won't. She already knows there is a problem with you gambling again. She knows too much to believe such a generality."
"Yes she will."
So here's where you and I both know you are dead wrong. This kid is perceptive. She's going to hone in on this in a hot second. And she did.
Why do you want to tell people this bs line about us each having our own reasons? I think it's because you don't want people to know you're gambling. You are an addict. You want me to cover for you again. Hide your dirty little secret. I have had the courage to tell you several times lately that you are an addict. The things that come out of your mouth are pure unadulterated addictspeak. Who do you think you're kidding?
On Sunday afternoon Laura and Kyle arrived. I was mowing the lawn. She went to look for something. What was she doing with the papers on my desk in my bedroom? I never snooped through my mom's stuff when I was her age. She read your bogus spreadsheet and a letter I had just faxed to my attorney. When I came into the bedroom, she was there and started off by apologizing to me for reading my stuff. Whoa! I was a little stunned. But she is angry with you. I haven't seen that look of contained rage on her face in a long time. She was appalled that you would ask for money from me after all you've taken. She was offended by the tone of your letter. She doesn't like the way you've treated me. She said to me, "Mom, you must promise me that whoever you have a relationship with after this must treat you well. You must proooommmiiiiise me. You are a good person, and I love Dad, but Dad isn't a good person, and he hasn't been good to you. You tell whoever you have a relationship with in the future, that if he isn't good to you, your daughter and her boyfriend are coming after him."
I said, "You have to be good to your father. You're all he has left now. He has no family. He has only one friend, and he has just discarded me. He will need you and Kyle to help him. I didn't want it to turn out this way but Daddy made a choice. I won't be in his life anymore and the burden of meeting his needs will fall on you. I'm sorry. "
"So when he spends all the money he gets from you, he'll come and live with me???"
"Maybe. Probably. You'll be all he has."
Kyle said he likes you, just not the way you conduct your business. He said he thinks the only one who could ever get through to you would be Laura. I told him I thought he was right but I would not encourage Laura to confront you and I don't think Kyle would either.
The kids were very helpful. Kyle finished mowing the back lawn and the two of them dug a rosebed for me in front of the house. Laura went to the condo with me and helped me clean it. The carpets look great; Melanie's son has a commercial shampooer and he got all of the horrible spots out of it that the last tenants managed to put in in only three months.
I had to go to work on Tuesday and the kids tried to wait for me but I had a training that lasted until after 7 p.m. They left ten minutes before I got home, which made me sad. But then they came back because the freeway was really jammed up. You stayed out at their house until Wednesday morning. Being here without you was a real relief.
Push Me, Pull Me
As if I had had a veil over my eyes, it is now lifted. I get it. I will admit I can be slow on the uptake but I have outdone myself this time. Maybe I didn't want to get to this point because I sensed I would get the message I just got. I measured your love for me by my love for you. I measured your goodwill for me with the same yardstick as I measured my goodwill for you. I defined love by the way I love. That was naive. People love differently. People show their love in different ways. And humans don't love unconditionally. God does. Humans don't. Humans have limits to their love. I have discovered ours.
It is now clear that you loved me as long as: you didn't have to work at an outside job, you didn't have to make a financial contribution to our home, and you didn't have to choose between gambling and being married. This past week I learned the limits of this love. I get it now. I may have been the perfect woman on Mother's Day. I may have walked on water in your eyes. But that was before I asked for something from you that you are unwilling to give. The boundaries are clear now. This marriage works for you as long as I pay all the bills, and you get to live the Life of Riley.
On Saturday you asked me if I would take a two-week break from legal advancement. You asked me to take a 'respite' from these divorce proceedings. You said you realized that I have been under a lot of stress. I told you I wanted a three-week respite, I want to hold off until school is over on June 18. I think you had been bluffing me as if we had been playing Texas Hold'Em. We had been holding our two cards for a while. Then came the flop and I thought I had a winning hand. I went all in. And even if I didn't have the winning hand, I was tired of sitting around this same old poker table, going nowhere. I needed to go all in and get out of the game. Then came the turn; your hand was looking pretty good. Now we've got the river card and you're not too sure you have such a good hand. But I'm all in and I'm playing out the hand. I might lose this pot but, when this hand is over, I'm getting up and walking away from the table, big pot, little pot, no pot. I'm finished gambling with you. I'll walk out of this casino called marriage, out into the sunlight, into a new world, and I'll keep going. You're hedging your bets? No, it was just a ploy. By Monday evening you were texting me that by today you needed spousal support in the sum of $2500 a month, a reasonable amount in your mind, something any judge would order, we can work out the details as we progress with this divorce. No dice. (Ooops! There goes another gambling metaphor.) I told you to stop bullying me, and if you're going to act like that, you can work exclusively through my lawyer. You backed down, said you were upset because I hadn't answered any of your texts during the day. Called your bluff!
It is now clear that you loved me as long as: you didn't have to work at an outside job, you didn't have to make a financial contribution to our home, and you didn't have to choose between gambling and being married. This past week I learned the limits of this love. I get it now. I may have been the perfect woman on Mother's Day. I may have walked on water in your eyes. But that was before I asked for something from you that you are unwilling to give. The boundaries are clear now. This marriage works for you as long as I pay all the bills, and you get to live the Life of Riley.
On Saturday you asked me if I would take a two-week break from legal advancement. You asked me to take a 'respite' from these divorce proceedings. You said you realized that I have been under a lot of stress. I told you I wanted a three-week respite, I want to hold off until school is over on June 18. I think you had been bluffing me as if we had been playing Texas Hold'Em. We had been holding our two cards for a while. Then came the flop and I thought I had a winning hand. I went all in. And even if I didn't have the winning hand, I was tired of sitting around this same old poker table, going nowhere. I needed to go all in and get out of the game. Then came the turn; your hand was looking pretty good. Now we've got the river card and you're not too sure you have such a good hand. But I'm all in and I'm playing out the hand. I might lose this pot but, when this hand is over, I'm getting up and walking away from the table, big pot, little pot, no pot. I'm finished gambling with you. I'll walk out of this casino called marriage, out into the sunlight, into a new world, and I'll keep going. You're hedging your bets? No, it was just a ploy. By Monday evening you were texting me that by today you needed spousal support in the sum of $2500 a month, a reasonable amount in your mind, something any judge would order, we can work out the details as we progress with this divorce. No dice. (Ooops! There goes another gambling metaphor.) I told you to stop bullying me, and if you're going to act like that, you can work exclusively through my lawyer. You backed down, said you were upset because I hadn't answered any of your texts during the day. Called your bluff!
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