It is Christmas. You don't like Christmas. In fact, the more I wanted to celebrate, the more you disliked it. There were times when I felt you didn't want to do Christmas at all. I think it is somewhat natural for people become less and less interested in it as they get older. Maybe it's their children leaving home and the excitement of children in the house diminishing. Maybe it's fatigue with the whole thing. Maybe it's feeling manipulated by retailers and a materialistic society. Whatever the case was with you, you didn't enjoy it. I can imagine you spent this day gambling if you are feeling well, or watching TV if you are feeling ill.
I woke at 6:20 this morning and decided it was not acceptable to be awake that early on Christmas. I pulled a pillow over my head, rolled over, and went back to sleep. Then I started to have a dream about you. In it you had been in some kind of care facility. It didn't look like a hospital; it looked more like a stately old home with many bedrooms. You were being discharged. You looked sweet and vulnerable, like the person you are when you are on your best behavior. I was there. But you weren't going home with me. You were going home with another woman. She was prettier, more energetic and had a better personality than I. She and I chatted. She was very nice. I could see why you would want to go with her rather than with me.
Suddenly Carmi was there, and it was not you who was being released, but my dad. Carmi was going home with us. You had already gone home with that other woman.
Then the dream ended and I awoke feeling sad, lonely, abandoned, rejected, and isolated. Why did I have this dream on Christmas? Who was that other woman? Was she your gambling addiction? Is she better equipped to take care of you than I? Why did I feel so unempowered in the dream? There is a part of me that's confused about why you chose a divorce after we had been together for so long. Because you had chosen divorce over protecting me, I have a sad person inside of me who feels rejected.
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