Monday the 11th

I woke up late this morning. I had taken one of your Vicodin to help with my headache. There was no way I was going to be able to take a shower. Although I was able to give myself a quick sponge bath, I would have to go to work with dirty hair. When I went out to the family room, you were at the computer. I made coffee and asked if you could make me a soft-boiled egg. You said you couldn't because you had to fill out some paperwork for your doctor and you were way behind. I was angry inside. I went back to the bathroom to continue getting ready. What were you trying to tell me? That I can't count on you? That I better be prepared to make my own breakfast every day and consider myself lucky if you could help me? Is your paperwork for your doctor's appointment on Wednesday more important than the very little I ask you to do for me? I returned to the family room and told you I was upset that you couldn't help me for a few minutes, that I had a very long day ahead of me and it was now going to be tough since I was going to have to scrounge breakfast and lunch. Are we a team or NOT? Why do I have to drop everything to help you but not be able to count on you to help me? To my surprise, you apologized and got to it.

But the day was getting off to a bad start. I arrived at work to discover that I was getting a new student: a child from Korea who didn't speak a word of English. Julie was returning to work after being out with cancer since before Memorial Day. Lael was preparing to say goodbye to the children who had been her class since the first day of school. And Laura and Kyle were coming in to give me their insights on my kids.

My kids were at their almost worst. Kevin wrote all over his arms and jeans at writing time. He wrote all over his plastic envelope at math time. Kenneth was being oppositional and deliberately wasn't following the rules. By the end of the day, I actually yelled at him. Kyle put it succinctly: Kenneth lives in a male world. His mother has abandoned the family and he isn't used to a woman being in charge of anything. When I tell him to do something, he either dismisses it as if it hadn't been said or does a double-take because he can't believe a woman is telling him to do something. Whatever it is, I was at the end of my rope with it by 1:30.

I had some quiet time in the class after school during which I changed the class seating arrangement for the rug and tried to get the rest of the week in order. Then I went to a BTSA meeting armed with chocolate-covered espresso beans and a Diet Coke.

Laura and Kyle picked up Tito's for dinner, we had some more birthday cake, you were tired. The chemo farts and diarrhea had returned. You are preparing for another round of that and another rash. We will now look forward to the weeks when you don't have to take chemo and your brief moments of feeling normal. Again you are questioning whether or not chemo is what you want if your life will only be increased by two months.