Big Mucky Muck

Yesterday we were lying in bed and you said to me, "I'm not afraid of dying." We do that a lot now. We lie in bed holding hands. It's a sweet thing most old folks don't do. Ah, but we're not old folks; we never will be. There's something eternally young about our spirits. I guess I am relieved to hear you aren't afraid of dying. I am not afraid of your death either. In my mind's eye I can stay with you until the very end accepting your passing whenever it comes, whether or not it is this year or five years from now.

You also said, "And I don't feel cheated." I said, "I do." You said you were sorry I feel that way. There was a flicker of realization in your eyes as you took in my comment. You recognized that I was waiting for my professional working life to be over so we could be free to have more adventures, like we did before Laura was born. Now we weren't going to have that. I was going to be a widow in my retirement; you weren't going to be there to go driving around the country with me, to move to exotic places and teach in American schools with me. I was going to be left to do this without you, and my golden years were now going to be lonely.

Today we saw a big oncologist who specializes in pancreatic cancer. He had a lot to say and we were both comforted in just knowing there's someone who could have a plan. He will work on a consult basis with Kaiser. He said you could get a gastric bypass around your duodenum or you could get a duodenal stent. This would enable you to eat again and would be easy enough to do. Both the procedures take about an hour to perform. Then he said to refuse radiation as part of your treatment. Radiation only treats a localized area but by the time most pancreatic cancers are diagnosed, they are so far along that the cancer is already being carried to other areas of the body through the lymphatic system. Targeting a specific area would only treat the tumor itself, not the messenger service that is delivering the cancer to the rest of your body. He recommends a systemic chemotherapy. He wrote down four types of chemo you should take, their dosage, frequency and duration. He said the Kaiser docs can call him and he would work with them. We were heartened by this news. We aren't thinking you are going to live another ten years, we just know there is a chance you can have a better quality of life than you have now. Maybe we can take those trips we've wanted to take. I had abandoned hope on them during the last week.

You told our neighbor, Rose, the prayer warrior. I was in the house and you were talking to her on the front porch. I could see the sadness, shock and compassion on her face. She'll get on it. She and hers will be praying for you mightily.

Keith said we all could be stretcher-bearers for you.