Our Child

If there is one shining thing from this marriage, one golden piece of sunshine, it's our child. Our beautiful, headstrong, unique and sometimes frustrating child. Our nineteen-year-old who is going on thirty five. ("I'm an adult now. You have to let me live my life! I can make mature decisions. I can take care of myself. You're suffocating me." "Mom, I've been throwing up all day and I can't keep anything down. I just tried to drink a glass of milk and threw it up immediately." "My bank has charged me seven overdraft fees. Can you transfer $245?")

When you had your triple bypass, her reactions were varied. In the beginning she was concerned. I could see her playing off my reactions, so I focused on staying sensible and taking care of business while being there for you every step of the way. The first few days were quite stressful. It didn't help that some lady had rear-ended you the week before and the car was in the shop. Laura and I had to get a loaner car, and it didn't turn out to be as easy as I had anticipated. Then the ccu nurse tried to give you the wrong meds and I had to take the ward to task on it. During those initial days Laura was with me all the time and she was worried about you. As you recovered and started getting out of bed and becoming your old self again, she relaxed. She realized her dad was going to be fine. And as your recovery continued, she developed a rather cavalier attitude to the point that when you went to emergency six weeks later, while I was visiting my sister, she didn't come and pick you up when you called her. She was helping her boyfriend wash his car. In our driveway. You took the bus home. You never forgot that. You never forgave her. I don't blame you. We were concerned that now, three years later, she wouldn't grasp the seriousness of pancreatic cancer. We went to the desert to see her.

She had the flu. Could you believe the timing? We felt we needed to tell her sooner rather than later. Saturday we drove out, stayed at a friend's vacation home, and checked with her frequently to see if her fever was gone. It broke on Saturday afternoon. We asked if we could have lunch on Sunday. We figured her boyfriend would be with her. She's that way. When she has a boyfriend, she's as good as married. After growing up with us, how could she be so dependent on a guy? How can she jump into relationships and get joined at the hip? We have been so independent of one another. Did she feel an unfulfilled need for attachment? Is that how our relationship played out in her?

We arrived at Suzin and Larry's in the late afternoon. It was hot. The desert can be so mild in October but then it can have hot spells, evocative of summer at its most brutal. This weekend was one of the latter. Suzin said we'd need to bring a cooler because their refrigerator had konked out and the new one wasn't being delivered for another week. As usual, we brought too much stuff. Good thing their place isn't small. They have so much square footage there, if only that much were common in our area. We had talked about going to a movie; I had wanted to go swimming in their community pool. We watched TV after we unloaded the car. You couldn't keep any solid food in your stomach so you had brought our blender to make protein drinks. You had a protein concoction, and I had leftover manicotti from home. Shortly after 6:30 you just got up and walked into the bedroom. I didn't see you again until I went to bed at 11:00. Your sleep patterns are off-kilter. You were awake at 4:00 a.m. You went for a hike and then to the grocery. I was awakened at 6:50 by you knocking on the kitchen door. I let you in and headed back to bed. You were all ready to make breakfast and go out. When you realized I was still in sleep mode, you entertained yourself by going to Walmart. How shopping delights you! You were so happy when you returned! You had found pants, undies, a new cooler and a cheaper protein drink.

We met Laura at a park. You and I had planned it. We would bring food. We would sit across from them, and they would be downwind of us. No germ-sharing. Lots of fresh air and breeze to blow away the flu. What we hadn't planned on was the boyfriend coming down with the flu that day. He was considerate and kept his distance. We ate, we made small talk, you finally started. "We wanted to talk to you about the problems I have been having with my stomach. I have something and I want you to know it looks like cancer. They're not sure yet but they are saying it's pancreatic cancer. They say they won't be able to operate. I will be seeing some more specialists and they will run more tests. Right now things don't look good. I wanted to tell you right away so you wouldn't feel like we were keeping information from you. I want you to know what's going on. I love you."

She reacted sweetly, and I was so proud of her. She has grown since your bypass! She wept quietly. She asked some meaningful questions about treatment and possibilities. Boyfriend moved over and put his arm around her to comfort her. When she was finished, she told you she loves you, and that she wants you to keep on fighting, not to give up. "Don't disappoint me by giving up," she said. "I love you."

The good part was that we didn't ruin a good weekend for her. The flu had done that. We knew she didn't really know how dreadful the diagnosis is. We worry she will keep on going with her regular schedule. Some people her age don't understand mortality. Already she has said she doesn't want to miss school and is going to boyfriend's grandparents for Thanksgiving. She doesn't know this might be your last Thanksgiving. You asked me to talk to her about coming up north with us. I put in a call to her. I will tell her. She will have to consider taking a leave from her school if your condition starts taking a dive. I am looking into taking a leave from my job. It's an interesting time for checking our priorities. Love over duty. Family over school. Taking chances with security, putting futures on hold. Because we're family, and we love you.