Good Days/Bad Days

Today you woke up and you didn't feel well. Yet the night before last we went out to dinner for crab legs. The menu said 'Russian crab legs'. We asked the waiter the difference between Russian crab legs and king crab legs. He said there was probably no difference; the restaurant was owned by Russians and how would anyone know if the crabs had been fished out of Alaskan or Russian waters anyway. We laughed and had a beautiful meal. Now I wonder where those Russian or Alaskan crab legs are. Your feelings color my days. I don't like that, but that's the way it is. I don't know how much time you have left, and when you don't feel well, I worry that you will only be here for a few more weeks.

Will we be able to go to Thanksgiving up north? Will you be well enough to go to Idaho for our traditional family Christmas revelry? My siblings are crazy fun. Being them would be good for you, good for me. They are kind and generous and loving, qualities you only saw in your mother and chose not to adopt. Why should you? She didn't get her way. She didn't rule the roost. She died of cancer. Nice guys didn't win in your family. People said and did nasty things to each other. Your sister didn't want to come to the dinner table at night. She was the object of your father's anger, discontent and disappointment. You watched. You were younger, powerless, bewildered. It wasn't nice, that thing your father used to do. People in your father's family died estranged from their blood. They turned their backs on one another. Your grandfather died and no one had ever known he had a brother in the same town.

My family wasn't perfect. In fact, my parents took dysfunction to great heights. But somehow my siblings and I have healed and moved on to a better place. We learned to laugh and find joy. We have all had our struggles and our sadnesses. Our mother and stepfather had great senses of humor; we chose those over their craziness. Thankfully. The rest is working itself out.

My siblings are already learning from our situation. They have suspended their holiday celebrations with others to be with you and me during this time. They will be here for us. They will be silly, funny, loving, supportive, prayerful, kind, attentive. They will be there for us to lean on, go to, or will come to us even though we are hundreds of miles away. My younger sister has an enormous heart and capacity to be there for people. Of all of us, she inherited Mom's ability to nurse people through horrible health crises. She has a heart for healing and nurturing. My brother has the capacity to love people regardless of their failings or sins. Beth has been my prayer warrior, my comfort. I am so blessed by them, so proud of the people they have become. They will be with us through the good days and the bad days. But true to your family's pattern, your sister has vanished, and not without good reason. You were mean to each other. I mourn your void of family, sad for you that the person who shared your childhood, your blood, your past, is no longer in your life. She will not only be absent, she will be unaware of your struggles, your pain, your good days, your bad days, your end.

Good days, bad days, bad days, good days. My life will hang on your health. I don't like it but it does. That happens when people love each other. I will take you to the hospital. I will go to all your doctors' appointments with you. I will hold your hand, your head, your body. I will be your rock. I will be strong for you. It's how I am.