Friday, near the end of February

Wednesday has turned into 'therapy day' for me, and I guess it will remain that way for the foreseeable future. One hour in individual therapy and two in the group at the Wellness Community. I usually wait until near the end of the group to speak. When I walk in and we start, I'm always thinking, "I really don't have anything to say." Then as time goes by, something sparks a thought or stirs a memory and I join in the sharing. This time I hadn't shared at all, and it was almost quitting time when the leader asked me if I was worried about money. She's really perceptive and works to make sure we all have time to share during the course of our meeting. She was looking for a way to bring me in, I could tell. I said that what worried me about money was that you had never been the financial partner I had hoped you would be. They already knew about gambling and I let myself feel their reactions to what I was saying: you don't help with the bills, I manage our, Dad's and Laura's finances, you had an inheritance but it's now gone, there is no life insurance. My only hope is that you don't leave me with debts to pay, neither from medical expenses nor from credit cards. I don't think that's too much to ask. Someone asked if you substituted the gambling with shopping but I said, no, you had always been a 'buyer'. I told them your sister had called you a compulsive consumer once, and I thought it had been a perfect description. She had such a good read on you. After that, I felt bad that she isn't part of our lives anymore. I miss her. On the way home you asked me what was on my mind. I didn't want to tell you so I just said I was tired.

B has been a psychotic little pill again. On Wednesday alone he spat in a girl's hair, peed on the bathroom floor on purpose, brought a bottle of Liquid Paper from home and was painting it on the play structure, and then poured a bottle of multi-surface cleaning liquid on the newly-shampooed carpet when he was supposed to be at daycare. After school I had him cleaning up the liquid when the custodian came in. I told him B had to mop the bathroom floor. He said that was okay, he'd do it. I said no, B needs to do it. He said the mop was way too heavy. I said, "Work with me here, Tim. B needs to mop it up. I do this when kids deliberately pee on the floor. I know the mop is heavy." He only had B do it for a little while. Tim's a softie. I emailed B's parents (who are divorced). To Mom I said, "I don't think B is crying out for help; I think he's screaming for it." She agreed, and called some therapists for an appointment for the little darling. Dad came in both Thursday and today to see how B was doing. B does fine while his dad is there.

We went to Dad's condo and vacuumed and shampooed the carpets. The new tenants are moving in late tomorrow. I hope the carpets are dry. The carpet cleaners who were supposed to come were too late. The light is bad and it was dark by the time they called. They'll be there tomorrow morning at 8 am. And the former tenants are starting to ask about their deposit. They are NOT going to be happy when I tell them I had to replace four blinds and pay to have the place cleaned. I am avoiding that conversation.