Groundhog Day

I woke up at 5:15 and tried not to stay awake. But that didn't work. By 6:30 I was up working around the house. I showered and was out the door by 7:45. I ran all day long, it seemed. I even had a meeting during lunch. I was released for the morning to test my students. Rosie took my class. I only got through six of them. Sigh........it takes so long to do each one. I will be released again on Thursday morning to do the same. Somehow I have to get through the whole class, which means calling the daycare kids in after school. I had a team meeting on K, complete with Mom and 17-day-old baby brother. He will improve, I'm sure. It was passed off to the assistant principal to do, and I was afraid she'd do her trick of putting out a little fire with gasoline. But she was on her very best behavior, maybe because the principals told her to take last week off. So it went well.

Someone from the Burzynski Center in Houston sent an email detailing the procedure and initial costs for going there for cancer treatment. You have to be willing and able to travel to Houston with a companion and stay for three weeks or so. They don't work with Medicare or HMO's. The costs mounted up: $500, $1000, $4500, and then $5000 -$15000 a month for the chemo. Scary. You said to forget it. I said to check and see how much a secondary policy, like Anthem would pay. Probably nothing. I think St. John's is a better bet.

I got home at 4:00. You had gone to a lecture on foods that cause inflammation and had had an appointment with the optometrist to see if your retinas are okay now that you have diabetes. They dilated your eyes. You called to see if I'd be able to pick you up if you didn't feel well enough to drive. But then you called later to tell me you were fine to drive home. I don't know exactly how well that went. It was overcast today, not too sunny, but you were driving the van, which is huge. When I came home you were fine but had all the curtains drawn.

I went to dinner with Kathleen. I hadn't seen her in so long, and I love seeing her. She is the one friend I have who understands bipolar disorder, a husband who doesn't manage money well, and she is very deep and extremely open about her faith. She is usually overly-energetic and quite a talker but tonight she was a good listener and gave good advice. She reminded me that I have neglected my spiritual growth over the past few months. I haven't been consistently in the Word and I should be. I had quit the Bible study at church when you were diagnosed in October. Kathleen reminded me that the women's Bible study is only two blocks from our house. I need to get back to it. She's right, you know.

Later in the evening I was typing in this blog and you came to talk to me. I thought I'd just keep on typing because your eyes are still dilated and you can't read this small print from any distance when suddenly you said, "What's Saying Goodbye to You"? Oh, boy! I'd forgotten how large the font is at the top of this thing. I clicked off but you kept persisting. Asking, asking, asking over and over again in your own inimitable style. I told you it was my blog. You wanted to know who gets to read it. I told you. You wanted to read it too. You felt you have a right to know what I'm saying about you. I said no. I need a place where I can say what's on my mind. The more readers I have, the more I'm going to edit out my raw feelings, and I don't want to have to do that. I also don't want you to read the little stuff that bothers me. You have enough to worry about combating your cancer. You don't need to hear about all my fears and dilemnas, not to mention the times you tick me off. I need a place to vent and I won't be able to vent if you're reading it. I'll editorialize too much. I'll take out a lot of the emotion. I don't want to do that; it defeats my purpose for the blog.