We Need to Talk

There are four words I have come to know mean something huge is up: We need to talk.

On one of our hikes you said them. You wanted to talk about quitting the current chemo protocol you're on. I heard you out. The research says that only 20% of participants benefitted from this Gemsar and Tarceva combination, and of that 20%, their lives were extended by only 18.5%. If the average life-expectancy for a pancreatic cancer patient is eight months, how long is 18.5%? Let's see, eight months is roughly 240 days. 18.5% of 240 days is over a month, 46 days. To you that's not worth it if for the entire time you're uncomfortable. You don't like those odds when you stack them up against the side effects of fatigue, diarrhea and pimply rash. You have contacted PCAN (Pancreatic Cancer Action Network) and are interested in switching medical coverage and getting into a clinical trial. You are interested in quality of life as opposed to length of life. I always thought you would make that choice. As of March 1, you can change insurance carriers and go on Medicare. You want to take one of the supplemental policies offered by AARP. I am so happy this is coming up soon. The timing is perfect. You also said you were going to meet with your oncologist on Wednesday to ask for another CT scan. You are such a great advocate for yourself!
I told you I would support any decision you made. I was glad you weren't deciding to quit chemo altogether and understand why you don't feel this is worth using as your only form of treatment. I said I would be with you until the end, no matter what happens, but the only thing that would make it extremely difficult for me would be to see you in pain. Again, I reminded you I would be there with you if you were in pain, just that that would make it much harder for me. Do I think you won't be in pain sometime during this process? No! But let's don't draw it out.
You said you don't want to be a burden. I reminded you that I married you for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.