The Weekend

I got up at 5:30 on Saturday morning. Sometimes your moving around at odd hours can wake me. I stayed in bed for almost an hour and then got myself going. I made us breakfast and then left to go see Laura in the desert. She washed, trimmed and blew out my hair. The weather was treacherous. I fought rainstorms all the way out. Sometimes the rain was so heavy it was hard to see the lines for the lanes, and I felt the car hydroplane a couple of times. The desert was cloudy but not rainy.

Our girl has a talent with hair! She is doing so well in her program and others look to her to see how to do things---and her classmates ask her to do their hair. She still has six months left and it will be a great opportunity for her to get up her speed on everything. She and I had quality time together. She broached some tender subjects, not just your cancer. I truly felt her happiness to see me. She wonders whether or not she has your disease and told me she has decided to be tested for it. She would rather know and start taking medications than not know and deal with the consequences. She also has a little tremor in her hands; she's always had it. I think it comes from not drinking water which she really dislikes. but she also wants to figure out what that is.

My trip home got off to a difficult start. It was raining about thirty minutes out of Palm Desert in the dark when I realized tule fog was starting to develop along the desert floor. That's very scary stuff and I considered turning around and going back to Laura's. But I gave it a few more minutes and there was no more.

You didn't come out with me, even though I invited you twice. Once I returned and told you about my day, you regretted not having gone with me.

Today we went for sushi at our favorite place downtown. They don't make it fancy but the servings are generous and the fish is always the highest quality. I don't think you're going to follow the doctor's orders not to have sushi during chemo; I hope it doesn't cause a problem. They still make a spicy yellowtail roll that puts me in heaven.

You have spent most of the weekend sleeping. I don't know what this means. We took a little walk this morning, about 25 minutes, and you are still having trouble getting your strength back in your legs. Muscle atrophy? I don't know.

Today I had my first tough spell. I fear these times. I fear my feelings of loneliness. I fear my need to have a companion. I fear the emptiness I used to feel when I was younger and didn't have a boyfriend will return when you're gone. They existed so long ago in a person I hope is no longer me. I fear them because they were always coupled with feelings of worthlessness. Am I different enough now to intellectualize those feelings away? Will I feel loneliness without worthlessness? What is loneliness like by itself?