Veterans' Day

Last night you had just eaten your first bites of solid food before I left. Immediately after eating, you started feeling poorly. You became pale and your hands felt a little clammy. You said you needed some rest so I left rather early.

This morning I was finally well enough to ride. Oh, how I have missed that! It's not the same without you. The tires are probably too low and it's more difficult to do all the work by myself, but the exercise, to feel the stress getting pushed out of my body, was so wonderful, so healing! I had started to feel like I was reaching a point where something was going to cause me to crumble, some little glitchy thing would happen and I would fall apart because I wouldn't be able to control it. Getting back on the bicycle, riding, pushing, going, make me remember how I can stay on top of it all if I can keep it up.

During the night you vomited 2500ml. When I came in today you looked like you did when I first brought you in two weeks ago. I know you have more energy and hydration but the gaunt look, the sallow face, and the listlessness seemed to be back. It was upsetting on that level. However, we had one shred of good news. So far, the biopsies are coming up negative for cancer! But what can it be? They will do more tests on the samples, but now we have even more questions than we did before. If it's not cancer, what do they think it is? How many more tests will they do? When will we know the results? What other procedures can they do to find out? What about a PET scan? What does this vomiting mean? Why is the vomit green and why does it smell like fish?

JC was so kind today, not because I brought THE Butter Almond Cake, but because that's how she is. I got a little teary and she hugged me and then took me walking down the hallway. I told her we are so happy with the care you've been getting and how much better it is than the care Dad got at the fancy hospital last year. But today felt like we took three steps forward and two steps back. We are so glad the biopsies are negative so far but are worried the bypass isn't working.

I waited in the evening for the doctor to come in but he never came. I will go back to the hospital at 6:30 in the morning to see if I can be there when he does his morning rounds. I have questions. Both Pam, Kathie and JC told me to write down all my questions, even the ones I think are stupid, to ask him in the hope that something will spark a memory or create an idea in his mind. Be respectful. Don't be too challenging on one hand but on the other hand we have to be advocates, and I might be the best one, since you can be in denial of your pain at times. (On a scale of 0 to 5, 5 being the most painful, how do you feel? Sometimes you say 0 and I say, "You were just vomiting in the waiting room. What do you mean zero?") Even Dad said it's time to be a little pushy, and he's from the Doctor As Diety school-of-thought.

So I will be there bright and early tomorrow with my little list of questions.